


epiphany

by SlytherinShakespeare



Series: folklore [1]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: army callum, paramedic callum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-11 23:21:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28750611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlytherinShakespeare/pseuds/SlytherinShakespeare
Summary: A fic exploring Callum's experience in the army and as a paramedic during the COVID-19 pandemic.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell, Callum ''Halfway'' Highway/Chris Kennedy
Series: folklore [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2107776
Comments: 6
Kudos: 7





	epiphany

_Keep your helmet_  
_Keep your life, son_  
_Just a flesh wound_  
_Here's your rifle_

***

Callum’s been reliving his war days for a while now. PTSD is such a bitch. He tried to be a good soldier, he really did, but he’s just not that callous. He wanted to save everyone, and the faces of those he failed haunt his dreams, even now. It was bad enough knowing he would lose friends he had trained with, but feeling empathy for those he was meant to kill without remorse was too much to bear. He saved countless civilians, but it wasn't enough, it could never be enough.

***

_Crawling up the beaches now_  
_Sir, I think he's bleedin' out_  
_And some things you just can't speak about_

***

It was a few months into his first post when Callum witnessed death first hand. He had no hand in it, tried to save them even, but those screams will live in his mind until the day he dies. How can that be being a good soldier? Perhaps being a good soldier and a good person was simply incompatible. This was a hard lesson for Callum to learn, so early on. Knowing he would help destroy lives, even as he tried to save others. How can he live with himself when he could be the reason a child becomes an orphan? How can anyone?

***

_With you, I serve_  
_With you, I fall down_  
_Down_  
_Watch you breathe in_  
_Watch you breathin' out_  
_Out_

***

He tried to be loyal to his squadron, he did. And for the most part, he was. But when they lost Chris, the fight simply went out of him. Chris was his first love in so many ways, and he was gone, shot in front of Callum's eyes. Callum had saved so many, but the man he loved faded in his arms, and Callum couldn't cope anymore.

A few months after he was discharged from the army, he receives a package with no return address. He opens it and his heart stops. He remembers every item in that box, the scarf they had wrapped around them in the field, an excuse to be close to each other. The notes they had written every time they were scared they wouldn't see each other again. And finally, the book. Callum remembers giving it to Chris, writing the inscription, "For Chris, and the life you breathed back in to me that October night." He gave it to Chris just days before he was shot, and somehow getting it back makes it all too real.

***

_Something med school_  
_Did not cover_  
_Someone's daughter_  
_Someone's mother_

***

Becoming a paramedic has been hard. He wanted to help people after the army, but he forgot how much it hurts to help people who don't want saving. He'd have thought Ben had taught him that lesson, but apparently not. It hurts to see people who are scared and broken but still think that they don't deserve to be in this world. He's good at helping, good at being a paramedic, but he never feels like enough. He can't save everyone. He can't ever be enough.

***

_Holds your hand through plastic now_  
_Doc, I think she's crashin' out_  
_And some things you just can't speak about_

***

He wasn’t prepared for this. He didn't become a paramedic to handle a fucking global pandemic. When he signed up to work for the NHS he never thought he'd be holding phones up so that people could say goodbye to their parents, their grandparents, their loved ones. He can't even give them a hug and tell them it will be okay. Nothing about this situation is okay. 

***

_Only twenty minutes to sleep_  
_But you dream of some epiphany_  
_Just one single glimpse of relief_  
_To make some sense of what you've seen_

***

He sneaks a nap in the breakroom. His shift is technically over but they're understaffed and overrun with patients. He can't go home and leave them, not when he's needed. So he sits in the breakroom, dozing off to recuperate, just a little, before he switches on a smile and tries to make his patients feel safe. Rest is so elusive nowadays that 20 minutes feels like a miracle. Barely seconds after he shuts his eyes, Sonia's tapping his shoulder to say she needs him. He can see concern on her face as she asks if he's okay. Callum forces a brilliant smile onto his face and summons the last of his energy to get through just one more shift. He can do this. He has to. 

***

_ With you, I serve  
With you, I fall down  
Down (Down)  
Watch you breathe in  
Watch you breathin' out  
Out _

***

He gets home for a brief break, lucky that Ben works from home and can stay with him. He crawls into Ben's arms and just collapses. Ben strokes his hair and is silent, knowing that Callum isn't ready to talk, not today, not tomorrow. It's hard to hold back, because all he wants to do is take Callum's pain away. But that's part of being a good team. They work together and Ben soothes Callum until he just watches his chest rise and fall in a peaceful sleep.

***

_With you, I serve_  
_With you, I fall down (Down)_  
_Down (Down)_  
_Watch you breathe in_  
_Watch you breathin' out (Out)_  
_Out_

***

Callum is always in awe of his fellow medics. The way they pull through a 15 hour shift to reassure another patient, to analyse someone else. The way they handle the abuse fired at the staff when loved ones can't come in due to the pandemic, the way they cope with being separated from their loved ones. The way they sacrifice their time with their loved ones to save lives and bring precious relief to those who need it. Callum hopes he can be half that good, half that generous someday.

***

_Only twenty minutes to sleep_  
_But you dream of some epiphany_  
_Just one single glimpse of relief_  
_To make some sense of what you've seen_

***

He stumbles in through the door, back to his and Ben's flat, his little oasis in this year of absolute hell. Ben takes one look at his face and throws out their plans for the night, instead leading Callum to bed, making sure the other man can at least get some rest, for once. Callum falls asleep in Ben's arms, knowing that he's loved and feeling so lucky to be in bed with the love of his life, even now.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Find me on tumblr @slytherin-shakespeare.


End file.
